Episode 499.a Bubble Guppies: Oona the Musical! (Part 1)

Plot
An extraordinary little girl named Oona decides that despite a bad beginning filled with rotten parents, a terrifying school and a vicious head mistress, her story is going to be an astonishing one. With the help of her teacher, her friends and a little bit of imagination, Oona proves that even if she's little, she can do big things.

Cast

 * Oona as (Matilda)
 * Mr. Shaskan as (Mr. Wormwood)
 * Mrs. Shaskan as (Mrs. Wormwood)
 * The Witch as (Miss Trunchbull)
 * Mrs. Grouper as (Miss Honey)
 * Deema as (Lavender)
 * The Color Monster as (Henchman)
 * Sandy as (Acrobat)
 * Ms. Duey as (Miss Phelps)
 * Nonny as (Nigel)
 * Molly as (Alice)
 * One of Sandy's Sisters as (Henchwoman)
 * Goofin as (Micheal)
 * Gil as (Bruce Bogtrotter)
 * Tobias as (Tommy)
 * Goby as (Eric)
 * Jimberly as (Amanda Thripp)
 * Ashlie as (Hortensia)
 * Cook Crab as (Cook)
 * Archaeologist as (Escapologist)
 * Mr. Grumpfish as (Rudolpho)
 * Mr. Grouper as (Children's Entertainer)
 * Ringmaster as (Sergei)
 * Dr. Clark as (Doctor)

Information

 * Genres: Comedy, Fantasy, Musical
 * Rating: PG for some violence, a bit of curse words, and some scary scenes.
 * Type of film: Fantasy, Comedy, Musical

Trivia

 * This is based on the 2011 West End musical "Matilda the Musical!" You can read about it on Wikipedia.
 * There are both regular and fanon characters in this story.

Story
Start of Part 1.

(Scene: Birthday Party)

(A bell rings. A long table with the word "Birthday" emblazoned on it moves forward, with little hands creeping along the bottom. The table stops and the hands hit the ground. The children begin to pop up from behind the table and speak. They are all dressed in costume: Goby as Batman, Tobias as the Incredible Hulk, Deema as a Princess, Nonny as Spiderman, Gil in army gear, Jimberly as Superwoman, Molly as Wonder Woman, Ashlie as a queen.)

Goby: (singing) My mummy says I'm a miracle!

Tobias: (singing) My daddy says I'm his special little guy! Ow!

Deema: (singing) I am a princess!

Gil: (singing) And I am a prince.

All Girls: (singing) Mum says I'm an angel sent down from the sky!

Goby, Tobias, and Gil: (singing) My daddy says I'm his special little soldier. No one is as handsome, strong as me.

Gil: (singing) It's true he indulges my tendency to bulge.

Goby, Tobias, and Gil: (singing) But I'm his little soldier. Hup, two, three, four, free.

Molly and Ashlie: (singing) My mummy says I'm a miracle, one look at my face and it's plain to see. Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord, it's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me. Ow!

Nonny and Tobias: (singing) My daddy says I'm his special little soldier. No one is as bold or tough as me. Has my daddy told ya one day when I'm older, I can be a soldier.

Nonny: And shoot you in the face!

(A party entertainer enters with balloons.)

Mr. Grouper: (singing) One can hardly move for beauty and brilliance these days. It seems that there are millions of these "one in a millions" these days. Specialness is de rigueur. Above average is average. Go fig-ueur! Is it some modern miracle of calculus that such frequent miracles don't render each one un-miraculous?

Children: (singing) My mummy says I'm a miracle. One look at my face and it's plain to see. Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord, it's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me.

Deema: (singing) My mummy says I'm a precious barrelina. She has never seen - a! Prettier barrelin - a! She says if I'm keen, I have to cut down on the cream, but I'm a barrelina - so give me more cake!

(Four couples, crouched down behind the table, begin to stand and speak.)

Father 1: (singing) Take another picture of our angel from this angle over here.

Mother 1: (singing) She is clearly more emotionally developed than her peers.

Both: (singing) What a dear!

Mother 2: (singing) That's right, honey. Look at Mummy.

Father 2: (singing) Don't put honey on your brother.

Mother 2: (singing) Smile for mummy! Smile for mother!

Father 2: (singing) I think he blinked.

Mother 2: (singing) Well, take another!

Father 3: (singing) Have you seen his school report? He got a C on his report!

All Couples: What?

Father 3: (singing) We'll have to change his school. The teacher's clearly falling short.

Mother 4: (singing) She's beautiful.

Father 4: (singing) So hilarious.

Mother 4: (singing) And insightful.

Couples: (singing) Might she be a little brighter than her class? Oh, yes, she's definitely advanced!

(The couples and the children overlap the next two verses, as children split themselves among five couples and execute rote choreography.)

Couples: (singing) Take another picture of our angel from this angle over here. She is clearly more emotionally developed than her peers. What a dear! That's right, honey, look at mummy. Don't put honey on your brother. Smile for mummy, smile for mother. I think he blinked. Well, take another!

Children: (singing) My mummy says I'm a miracle. One look at my face and it's plain to see. Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord, it's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me. My mummy says I'm a -

Children and Couples: (singing) Miracle!

Children: (singing) That I'm as tiny and as shiny as a -

Children and Couples: (singing) Mirror ball!

Children: (singing) You can be all cynical, but it's a truth empirical. There's never been a miracle, a miracle, a miracle as me.

(Scene: Hospital)

(A woman with purple hair is behind a curtain on a hospital bed. A doctor enters.)

Woman with Purple Hair: Look, is this gonna take much longer, Dr. Clark? I've got a plane to catch at three. I'm competing in the Bi-Annual International Amateur Salsa and Ballroom Dancing Championships in Paris.

Dr. Clark: You're getting on a plane, Mrs. Shaskan?

Mrs. Shaskan: Of course I am. I always compete, Dr. Clark. But this time, I've got a secret weapon. Mr. Grumpfish! He's part Italian, you know. Very supple. Has incredible upper-body strength.

Dr. Clark: I think we should have a talk.

(Mrs. Shaskan walks out from behind the curtain, heavily pregnant.)

Mrs. Shaskan: So, what is it? What's wrong with me?

Dr. Clark: Mrs. Shaskan, do you really have no idea?

Mrs. Shaskan: Gas?

Dr. Clark: Mrs. Shaskan, I want you to think very carefully. What do you think might be the cause of - this?

(Mrs. Shaskan gasps.)

Mrs. Shaskan: Am I... Am I... Look, am I fat?

Dr. Clark: You're pregnant!

Mrs. Shaskan: What?!

Dr. Clark: You're going to have a baby.

Mrs. Shaskan: But I've got a baby! I don't want another one. Isn't there something you can do?

Dr. Clark: You're nine months pregnant!

Mrs. Shaskan: Antibiotics, or... Oh, my good Lord! What about the Bi-Annual International Amateur Salsa and Ballroom Dancing Championships?

Dr. Clark: A baby, Mrs. Shaskan. A child. The most precious gift the natural world can bestow upon us has been handed to you. A brand new human being! A life. A person. A wonderful new person is about to come into your life to bring love, and magic, and happiness, and wonder!

Mrs. Shaskan: Oh, bloody hell!

(Mrs. Shaskan walks back behind the curtain.)

Dr. Clark: (singing) Every life I bring into this world restores my faith in human kind.

Nurse: Push, Mrs. Shaskan, push!

Mrs. Shaskan: I'll push you in a minute!

Dr. Clark: (singing) Each newborn life a canvas yet unpainted, this still, unbroken skin, this uncorrupted mind.

(The children enter with lab coats over their costumes. Dr. Clark and the children sing into their stethoscopes.)

Dr. Clark and Children: (singing) Ev-er-y life is unbelievably unlikely. The chances of existence almost infinitely small.

Dr. Clark: (singing) The most common thing in life is life...

(The curtain drawns to reveal Mrs. Shaskan. A nurse is holding a baby, which cries.)

Dr. Clark: (singing) And yet every single life, every new life is a miracle! Miracle!

(Mr. Shaskan enters, puffing on a cigarette.)

Mr. Shaskan: Where is he? Where's my son?

Dr. Clark: Mr. Shaskan! Are you smoking a cigarette?

Mr. Shaskan: What? Oh, of course.

(He throws the cigarette away.)

Mr. Shaskan: I'm sorry, Dr. Clark. What am I thinking? This calls for a proper smoke.

(He takes out a cigar and takes hold of the baby.)

Mr. Shaskan: Oh, my word, he's an ugly little thing.

Dr. Clark: This is one of the most beautiful children I've ever seen.

(Mr. Shaskan unwraps the blanket that the baby is swathed in.)

Mr. Shaskan: Oh, my good Lord. Where's his fingie?

Dr. Clark: His what?

Mr. Shaskan: His fingie. His whatchamacallit. His do-dah. What've you done with his fingie?

Dr. Clark: This child doesn't have a "thingie" -

Mr. Shaskan: What? A boy with no fingie? Look what you've done, you stupid woman. This boy's got no fingie.

Dr. Clark: Mr. Shaskan! This child is a girl. A beautiful, beautiful little girl.

Mrs. Shaskan: Is there still time for the Bi-Annual Inter-Championship Amateur Sausage -

Mr. Shaskan: Dance competition's over. You missed it.

(He brings out a load of cash and starts leafing through it.)

Mr. Shaskan: Look, I don't suppose we could exchange it for a boy, could we?

(Dr. Clark exits and Mr. Shaskan hurries after him.)

Mrs. Shaskan: This is the worst day of my life! (singing) Oh, my undercarriage doesn't feel quite normal. My skin looks just revolting in this foul, fluorescent light. And this gown is nothing like the semi-formal, Semi-Spanish gown I should be wearing in the semi-finals tonight!

(Mr. Grumpfish enters from behind a gap in the curtain behind her. He dances with the hospital bed that Mrs. Shaskan is lying on.)

Mrs. Shaskan: (singing) I should be dancing the Tarentella Qui mon fella Italiano.

(Mr. Grumpfish exits the same way he came.)

Mrs. Shaskan: (singing) Not dressed in hospital cotton, with an owchie... front bottom. And this -

(Dr. Clark, Mr. Shaskan, and a male nurse enter.)

Dr. Clark: (singing) Miracle!

Mrs. Shaskan: (singing) Horrible -

Dr. Clark: (singing) Miracle!

Mrs. Shaskan: (singing) Smelly little -

Dr. Clark: (singing) The most beautiful miracle I have ever seen!

Mr. Shaskan: (singing) I can't find his frank 'n' beans!

(Parents wheeling strollers enter alongside their children.)

Dr. Clark: (singing) Ev-er-y life is unbelievably unlikely.

Children: (singing) My mummy says I'm a miracle.

Dr. Clark: (singing) The chances of existence almost infinitely small.

Children: (singing) My daddy says I'm his special little guy.

Dr. Clark: (singing) The most common thing in life is life -

Children: Hup, two, four, free!

(Scene: Birthday Party)

(Back at the party, children and couples arrange themselves behind the birthday table.)

Dr. Clark: (singing) And yet, every single life, every new life is a miracle! Miracle! Miracle!

(Dr. Clark runs behind the table with the others. The group sets off party poppers down the line.)

Couples, Children, and Dr. Clark: (singing) My mummy says I'm a miracle, one look at my face and it's plain to see. Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord, it's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me. My mummy says I'm a miracle. That I'm as tiny and as shiny as a mirror ball. You can be all cynical, but it's a truth empirical there's never been a miracle, a miracle, a miracle as...

(The mother from the first couple blows on a birthday cake as the children and their parents go home.)

(Scene: Neighbourhood)

(At the Shaskan's house, Oona watches out the window at the children and parents going home. She is holding a collection of books from one hand.)

Oona: (singing) My mummy says I'm a lousy little worm. My daddy says I'm a bore. My mummy says I'm a jumped-up little germ, that kids like me should be against the law. My daddy says I should learn to shut my pie-hole. No one like a smart-mouthed girl like me. Mum says I'm a good case for population control. Dad says I should watch more TV.

(Scene: Living Room)

(Mr. Shaskan kicks her out of the way, talking on the telephone. Oona's brother, Goofin, lies lazily on a recliner. Oona sits to the side, reading a book.)

Mr. Shaskan: Get out of it! Yes, sir. That's right, sir. One hundred and fifty-five brand new luxury cars, sir. Are they good runners? Oh, let's put it this way. You wouldn't beat them in a race!

(He laughs then peters out.)

Mr. Shaskan: No, sir. Yes, sir. They are good runners, sir. Yes, sir. Indeed, sir. So, erm... How much, exactly are we talking about?

(Mrs. Shaskan enters and screams.)

Mrs. Shaskan: Harry!

Mr. Shaskan: (to the phone) Hang on.

Mrs. Shaskan: Look at this. She's reading a book. That's not normal for a five-year-old. I think she might be an idiot.

Oona: Listen to this: "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was the age of wisdom..."

(Mrs. Shaskan screams again.)

Mr. Shaskan: Stop scaring your mother with that book, boy.

Oona: I'm a girl!

Mrs. Shaskan: And she keeps telling me stories, Harry. Stories. Who wants stories? I mean, it's just not normal for a girl to be all... "thinking."

Mr. Shaskan: (to the phone) I'm gonna call you straight back. (to Mrs. Shaskan) Would you please shut up? I am trying to pull off the biggest business deal of my life and I have to listen to this. It's your fault. You spend us into trouble and you expect me to get us out. What am I? A flaming escapologist?

Mrs. Shaskan: "Escapologist," he says! What about me, then? I've got a whole house to look after! Dinners don't microwave themselves, you know! If you're an escapologist, I must be an acrobat to balance that lot. The world's greatest acrobat! I am off to bleach my roots... and I shan't be talking to you for the rest of the evening, you horrid little man!

Mr. Shaskan: But I'm gonna make us rich!

Mrs. Shaskan: Rich? How rich?

Mr. Shaskan: Oh, very rich. Russian businessmen: very, very stupid! Your genius husband is going to sell them one hundred and fifty-five knackered old bangers as brand-new luxury cars.

Oona: But that's not fair! The cars will break down. What about the Russians?

Mr. Shaskan: "Fair." Listen to the boy.

Oona: I'm a girl!

Mr. Shaskan: "Fair" does not get you anywhere, you thickheaded twit-brain! All I can say is, thank heavens Goofin has inherited his old man's brains, eh, son?

Goofin: (dully) Goofin.

Mrs. Shaskan: Hmm. Well, I shall take your money when you earn it, and I shall spend it. But I shan't enjoy it, because of the despicable way in which you have spoken to me tonight.

(Mrs. Shaskan exits.)

Mr. Shaskan: (to Oona) This is your fault. With your stupid books and your stupid reading.

Oona: What? But I didn't do anything. That's not right.

Mr. Shaskan: "Right?"

(He laughs.)

Mr. Shaskan: "Right?" I'll tell you something. You're off to school in a few days' time. And you won't be getting "right" there, oh no. See, I know your headmistress. Agatha Witch.

(Scene: Oona's Bedroom)

Mr. Shaskan: And I've told her all about you and your smarty-pants ideas. Great, big, strong, scary woman she is. Used to compete in the Olympics, throwing the hammer! Imagine what she is going to do to a horrible, squeaky little goblin like you, boy.

Oona: I'm a girl!

Mr. Shaskan: Now, get off to bed, you little bookworm.

(Mr. Shaskan exits while Oona runs into her bedroom, flings the door open, and climbs onto her bookshelf. She opens a book.)

Oona: (singing) Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. So they say. The subsequent fall was inevitable. They never stood a chance. They were written that way: Innocent victims of their story. Like Romeo and Juliet, 'twas written in the stars before they even met. That love and fate and a touch of stupidity would rob them of their hope of living happily. The endings are often a little bit gory! I wonder why they didn't just change their story. We're told we have to do what we're told, but surely, sometimes you have to be a little bit naughty! Just because you find that life's not fair, it doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it. If you always take it on the chin and wear it, nothing will change. Even if you're little, you can do a lot. You mustn't let a little thing like "little" stop you. If you sit around and let them get on top, you might as well be saying you think that it's okay, and that's not right.

(Scene: Mr and Mrs. Shaskan's Bedroom)

(She flicks on the light of the vanity in her parent's bedroom. It is delineated into "His" and "Hers" sides.)

Oona: (singing) And if that's not right, you have to put it right.

(Oona picks up various bottles from the vanity and reads from their labels.)

Oona: Platinum blonde hair dye. Extra strong. Keep out of reach of children. Hmm. Oil of Violets hair tonic. For men. Yep!

(Oona starts pouring the hair dye into the Oil of Violets bottle.)

Oona: (singing) In the slip of a bolt, there's a tiny revolt. The seed of a war in the creak of a floorboard. A storm can begin with the flap of a wing. The tiniest mite packs the mightiest sting. Every day starts with the tick of a clock. All escapes start with the click of a lock. If you're stuck in your story and want to get out, you don't have to cry, you don't have to shout - 'Cause if you're little, you can do a lot. You mustn't let a little thing like "little" stop you. If you sit around and let them get on top, you won't change a thing. Just because you find that life's not fair, it doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it. If you always take it on the chin and wear it, you might as well be saying you think it's okay, and that's not right. And if it's not right, you have to put it right...

(Scene: Oona's Bedroom)

(She re-enters her bedroom and jumps onto the bed.)

Oona: (singing) But nobody else is gonna put it right for me. Nobody but me is gonna change my story. Sometimes you have to be a little bit naughty!

(Oona lies down and flicks off the light. The vanity rises again, signifying morning.)

(Scene: Bathroom)

(Mr. Shaskan, towel wrapped around his shoulder, enters the bathroom with Goofin.)

Mr. Shaskan: In business, son, a man's hair is his greatest asset. Good hair means a good brain. Now, the secret to my success in business is -

Goofin: Secrets.

Mr. Shaskan: Yes. Yes. Secrets. The secret to my success is this. Oil of Violets hair tonic for men. Stand back, son! Your old man is going to work.

(He pulls the towel over his head and starts massaging vigorously.)

Mr. Shaskan: Oh, yeah. Oh, that's where it's at! Oh, right. That's the bananas right there.

(He rips the towel off to reveal that his hair is green.)

Mr. Shaskan: Let me tell you something, son. A man in business simply cannot fail to get noticed when he looks like this.

Goofin: Secrets!

(Mrs. Shaskan enters and screams.)

Mrs. Shaskan: Your hair! It's... green!

Mr. Shaskan: Good Lord, woman, have you started already? It's not even eight thirty!

(Oona enters from her bedroom. Mr. Shaskan takes a mirror that Mrs. Shaskan brandishes.)

Mr. Shaskan: Oh! My hair is green!

Mrs. Shaskan: What on earth did you do that for? Why would you want green hair?

Mr. Shaskan: I don't want green hair. I didn't do anything!

Oona: Maybe you used some of mummy's peroxide by mistake.

Mrs. Shaskan: That's exactly what you've done. Oh, you stupid man.

Mr. Shaskan: Oh, my hair! Oh, my lovely hair! Oh, my good Lord. I've got my deal today with the Russians. What am I gonna do?

Oona: I know. I know what you can do.

Mr. Shaskan: What? What is it? What can I do?

Oona: You can pretend you're an elf!

Mr. Shaskan: Yes! That's it! I can pretend I'm an... What are you talking about? You fool! The boy's a looney.

(Mr. Shaskan and Goofin exit. Mrs. Shaskan brushes past Oona with a sound of utter disgust.)

Oona: Mum, would you like to hear a story?

Mrs. Shaskan: Don't be disgusting! Go on. Creep on back to that library of yours or something. The sooner you're locked up in that school, the better.

(Mrs. Shaskan exits. Oona collects her books.)

End of Part 1.